🏰 Royal Decree of the Commodore of Schmucks 🏰

Hear ye, hear ye! Let it be proclaimed throughout the land and all adjacent couch cushions:

By order of His Most Comfortably Casual Majesty, the Commodore of Schmucks, arises the official garment of the realm—The Unisex Heavy Cotton Tee—a majestic blend of comfort, valor, and low-maintenance laundering. Woven from the fairest fibers of the American countryside, this noble raiment offers year-round breathability for gallant gatherings and slothful sofa-sitting alike.

Whether thou art parading through the kingdom’s market square or reclining with honor after a fortnight of toil, this classic fit tunic shall drape thee in distinguished indifference and timeless style. It is henceforth declared the perfect gift for festivals, name-days, awkward family reunions, and the annual celebration of one’s emergence from the womb.

Edicts of Craftsmanship:

• Fortified shoulder tapes grant thine tee enduring might.

• Seamless sorcery minimizes waste and maximizes grandeur.

• A ribbed collar to resist the tyranny of sag and droop.

• Fabric smoother than a court jester’s flattery, fit for vibrant heraldry.

• Conjured ethically with 100% U.S. cotton—no dragons were harmed in its making.

Instructions from the Royal Wash Chamber:

• Wash in cold waters of no more than 30C (or 90F for the Fahrenheit-inclined).

• Bleach only if it be non-chlorine and thou art in dire need.

• Ironing is strictly forbidden—let the wrinkles reign.

• Shun the dry cleaner, for it is a place of dark magic.

• Tumble dry gently, like a bard’s lullaby at low heat.

Now go forth, noble citizen, and don this majestic vestment with all the pomp and comfort due to one of your station. Long live the Commodore! 👑