Schmuck Rogers™: The Galaxy’s Most Accidentally Authorized Pilot.

Buckle up, meatbag. The Schmuck Rogers Tee is your official uniform for navigating the algorithmically generated chaos of the modern galaxy—where incompetence is leadership, failure is monetized, and space exploration is brought to you by snack ads and crypto scams.

This Unisex Heavy Cotton Tee offers the comfort you’ll need while watching Schmuck Rogers livestream his 73rd docking attempt, now with more explosions and less understanding of physics. It’s the perfect outfit for doomscrolling humanity’s final transmission or waiting out the end in your Earth bunker-turned-“cozy AI wellness pod.”

Because in the infinite vacuum of space, no one can hear you say, “Wait, who let him fly the ship?”

Product features

• Shoulder tape for structural integrity. Unlike his command decisions.

• Seamless design—because ripping holes in the fabric of space-time is so last season.

• Ribbed collar: holds its shape better than his grasp on reality.

• High-quality cotton: ideal for soaking up regret, space sweat, or questionable goo.

• Ethically made with 100% US cotton, so you can look good while civilization collapses.

Care instructions

• Machine wash cold, like the silence after a bad transmission.

• Tumble dry low, just like morale.

• No ironing—wrinkles are part of the aesthetic now.

• No dry cleaning—we’ve moved beyond dry land.

• Bleach only if absolutely necessary (like the emergency AI says “no survivors”).

Schmuck Rogers: Brought to you by hubris, powered by ads, hurtling into deep space with a smile and zero training.