This Shirt Is for Schmucks. And You Love Them. And Derp. Especially Derp.

Behold: the “I ❤️ Schmucks” Unisex Heavy Cotton Tee, your official membership badge to the Cult of Chaos, led valiantly (and entirely by accident) by our glorious, googly-eyed mascot: Derp. Is this shirt comfortable? Yes. Is it emotionally stable? Absolutely not. But neither are you. Or Derp. Or the schmuck you keep texting at 2 a.m.

Slide into this cotton catastrophe like you’re crash-landing into yet another life decision you’ll only partially regret. Whether you’re attending a family reunion, faking confidence at a wedding, or sitting in a parking lot eating fries alone while muttering “I love schmucks” into the void—this tee is your ride-or-die companion. And Derp? He’s here for it. He’s printed on it. He may have designed it. We’re honestly not sure anymore.

Warning: Side effects may include unexpected cheese deliveries, questionable romantic decisions, and strangers shouting “DERP LIVES!” across gas station parking lots.

“I wore this shirt to jury duty and left with a ferret and a restraining order. 11/10.”

— Derp, Mascot. Visionary. Probationary.

Product Features:

Crafted for women who prefer real-world style over virtual snake oil, this softstyle tee won’t crash overnight, rug-pull your closet, or require a 37-step wallet recovery phrase. It’s fashion for those who skipped the FOMO and kept their dignity (and dollars).

Perfect for brunch, errands, or silently roasting that guy at the party who keeps calling himself a “crypto futurist” while trying to expense his gas fees. Because while he’s explaining decentralized ownership to a houseplant, you’ll be out here… looking good in cotton.

Product Features

• Ribbed knit collar that holds its shape—unlike your buddy’s JPEG investments

• Shoulder tape for structure, not to be confused with the imaginary kind

• Double-needle stitching that, like your common sense, is surprisingly rare these days

• Side seams for actual stability (take notes, Ethereum bros)

• 100% ringspun cotton: soft, breathable, and never hosted on OpenSea

Care Instructions

• Machine wash: cold, like the dead eyes of NFT shillers

• Bleach: non-chlorine only—this shirt doesn’t need to be whitewashed like your losses

• Tumble dry: medium, unlike your risk tolerance

• Do not iron—it’s already hot enough from truth bombs

• Do not dry clean—it doesn’t need laundering like your favorite Discord group