This Shirt Is for Schmucks. And You Love Them. And Derp. Especially Derp.

Behold: the “I ❤️ Schmucks” Unisex Heavy Cotton Tee, your official membership badge to the Cult of Chaos, led valiantly (and entirely by accident) by our glorious, googly-eyed mascot: Derp. Is this shirt comfortable? Yes. Is it emotionally stable? Absolutely not. But neither are you. Or Derp. Or the schmuck you keep texting at 2 a.m.

Slide into this cotton catastrophe like you’re crash-landing into yet another life decision you’ll only partially regret. Whether you’re attending a family reunion, faking confidence at a wedding, or sitting in a parking lot eating fries alone while muttering “I love schmucks” into the void—this tee is your ride-or-die companion. And Derp? He’s here for it. He’s printed on it. He may have designed it. We’re honestly not sure anymore.

Warning: Side effects may include unexpected cheese deliveries, questionable romantic decisions, and strangers shouting “DERP LIVES!” across gas station parking lots.

“I wore this shirt to jury duty and left with a ferret and a restraining order. 11/10.”

— Derp, Mascot. Visionary. Probationary.

Product Features

• Shoulder tape: For when you inevitably collapse under the weight of loving too many schmucks.

• Seamless design: Because Derp hates seams. Seams once wronged him. He won’t talk about it.

• Ribbed collar: Holds its shape better than your last relationship.

• Strong, smooth fabric: For surviving the wash, emotional breakdowns, and spontaneous interpretive dance.

• 100% US cotton: Ethically made, because even Derp has standards (sort of).

Care Instructions (or just let Derp handle it, which we do not recommend)

• Bleach: only non-chlorine (we’re not trying to summon spirits here)

• Do not iron: unless you want to summon Crispy Derp

• No dry cleaning: Derp tried once. It did not go well.

• Wash cold (30C / 90F): like your heart after three failed talking stages

• Tumble dry low: or just hang it from your rearview mirror like a warning sign