Congratulations, Consumer. You Just Bought a T-Shirt.

Welcome to $chmuck Kapitalism, where your identity is a brand, your rebellion is merch, and your closet is just a graveyard of exploited labor wrapped in cotton. This Unisex Heavy Cotton Tee is your perfect uniform for pretending it’s not all on fire—comfy enough for existential dread on the couch, sharp enough to survive your cousin’s MLM pitch at the next family reunion.

This shirt doesn’t scream “late-stage capitalism”… but it definitely mumbles it sarcastically under its breath. Whether you’re buying it ironically, unironically, or just out of sheer dopamine-deprived impulse—this tee is for you, comrade.

Product features (aka “justifications for buying more stuff”):

• Shoulder tape keeps it from collapsing like the middle class.

• Seamless design, unlike your work/life balance.

• Ribbed collar that holds its shape better than your retirement plan.

• Strong, smooth fabric for printing slogans you’ll forget you believe in.

• Made with 100% U.S. cotton and just enough guilt to call it “ethical.”

Care Instructions:

• Machine wash cold like your heart after your 9th unpaid internship

• Tumble dry low, like your expectations

• No ironing. You’ve done enough labor

• Don’t dry clean—you already sold your soul, don’t sell your wallet too