“Buckle up, meatbag.”

The year is [REDACTED]. Civilization has crumbled into a polite apocalypse of drone-delivered mediocrity, and yet—your doormat endures. This isn’t just a welcome mat. It’s a warning. A relic. A passive-aggressive artifact from a time when sarcasm was the only defense against digital surveillance, poorly-made coffee, and extended family.

Crafted from eco-friendly, grade-A coir coconut fiber harvested by probably-overworked machines, this mat offers a grim kind of hospitality. It scrapes the existential dread from your boots while whispering, “You still came here? Bold.” The anti-slip vinyl backing keeps it firmly rooted—unlike your trust in society.

Perfect for post-collapse housewarmings, rogue AI-themed birthdays, or simply establishing your porch as the last bastion of mockery in a world gone mad.

Product Features

• Made from grade-A tufted coir coconut fiber—organic, abrasive, and just like the world outside: unforgiving.

• Features a black vinyl anti-slip backing so it won’t shift, even when the ground does.

• Dimensions: 24” × 16”, perfectly sized to capture both dirt and despair.

• Built for the outdoors, or anywhere else reality dares to intrude.

• Assembled in the remnants of the USA from globally sourced high-quality materials (and possibly the tears of interns).

Care Instructions

Place it beneath a roof, awning, or bunker-grade portico to extend its lifespan past the next societal collapse. Initial shedding is normal—it’s just the mat adjusting to the crushing weight of modern existence. Shake it out occasionally, or don’t. Nothing matters, really.