The “Schmuck & Schmendrick” T-Shirt
For the walking contradiction you didn’t ask for.

Finally, a shirt that does the heavy lifting of insulting you before anyone else gets the chance. Why let the world wonder whether you’re just a schmuck or a full-blown schmendrick when you can proudly announce that you’re both—loudly, unapologetically, and in cotton-blend comfort?

This shirt is perfect for:

• Ruining first impressions

• Letting your in-laws know their suspicions were correct

• Reminding yourself that self-awareness doesn’t equal self-improvement

Crafted from fabric soft enough to cradle your poor life choices, and printed with lettering bold enough to warn small children, this shirt is a masterclass in bad decisions—just like you.

Buy it. Wear it. Regret it. Repeat.

Product Features

• Shoulder tape: For when you inevitably collapse under the weight of loving too many schmucks.

• Seamless design: Because Derp hates seams. Seams once wronged him. He won’t talk about it.

• Ribbed collar: Holds its shape better than your last relationship.

• Strong, smooth fabric: For surviving the wash, emotional breakdowns, and spontaneous interpretive dance.

• 100% US cotton: Ethically made, because even Derp has standards (sort of).

Care Instructions (or just let Derp handle it, which we do not recommend)

• Bleach: only non-chlorine (we’re not trying to summon spirits here)

• Do not iron: unless you want to summon Crispy Derp

• No dry cleaning: Derp tried once. It did not go well.

• Wash cold (30C / 90F): like your heart after three failed talking stages

• Tumble dry low: or just hang it from your rearview mirror like a warning sign