privacy

Who we are

For Schmucks website is owned by For Schmucks, which is a data controller of your personal data. ALL of it. Mmm, tasty, tasty data. Our website address is: https://forschmucks.net. It’s the one you’re reading right now. Most of our emails go through 4schmucks.com, so don’t freak out about that. By accessing this website, we assume you accept these terms and conditions. Do not continue to use For Schmucks if you do not agree to take all of the terms and conditions stated on this page, schmuck.

Personal information we collect:

When visitors leave comments on the site, we collect the data shown in the comments form, and also the visitor’s IP address and browser user agent string to help spam detection. We reserve the right to publish reviews, both positive and negative, as deemed appropriate by our marketing and legal departments. When you visit the For Schmucks, we automatically collect certain information about your device, including information about your web browser, IP address, time zone, and some of the installed cookies on your device. Additionally, as you browse the Site, we collect information about the individual web pages or products you view, what websites or search terms referred you to the Site, and how you interact with the Site. We refer to this automatically-collected information as “Device Information.” Moreover, we might collect the personal data you provide to us (including but not limited to Name, Surname, Address, payment information, etc.) during registration to be able to fulfill the agreement. However, unless you buy something or sign up for something we’re not going to look at it.

Media

We own the media we publish, including anything you choose to submit to us, so get ready to surrender control of that selfie if you plan to send it our way.

Cookies

The website uses cookies to help personalize your online experience. By accessing For Schmucks, you agreed to use the required cookies.

A cookie is a text file that is placed on your hard disk by a web page server. Cookies cannot be used to run programs or deliver viruses to your computer. Cookies are uniquely assigned to you and can only be read by a web server in the domain that issued the cookie to you.

We may use cookies to collect, store, and track information for statistical or marketing purposes to operate our website. You have the ability to accept or decline optional Cookies. There are some required Cookies that are necessary for the operation of our website. These cookies do not require your consent as they always work. Please keep in mind that by accepting required Cookies, you also accept third-party Cookies, which might be used via third-party provided services if you use such services on our website, for example, a video display window provided by third parties and integrated into our website. While most modern day websites utilize cookies to grab information about you, we honestly do not care who visits the site as it is too boring for us to look at as long as you keep buying our crap and paying us. Cookies are used in some areas of our site to enable certain functionality and ease of use for those people visiting. We’ll do our best to limit what affiliate partners grab about you, but they are probably a lot Schmuckier than we are so no promises about THEIR cookies. All of this cooking sharing nonsense has gotta make someone hungry, so we’ll periodically provide cookie recipes ABSOLUTELY FREE just because you took the time to read this, you schmuck. Without further ado, here’s the best Oatmeal Chocolate Chip recipe we could find. Note that it is not ours, it’s just now yours without the bullshit you’d normally see with a zillion stupid ads and images you’d normally get.

Requirements

Medium Bowl

Large Bowl

Parchment paper or silicone baking mats if you’re an overachiever

Ingredients

Cup and a half – all-purpose flour (spoon and level it)

Ground Cinnamon – one teaspoon if you’re feeling like a baller (not really needed but it’s your funeral Mr/Ms Beetus)

Baking soda – one teaspoon

Salt – three quarters of a teaspoon

Butter (unsalted, room temperature) – 1 cup

Brown Sugar – 1 cup light or dark brown will do, we respect all color here

Granulated Sugar – half cup

Eggs – 2 of ‘em at room temperature (yeah, we KNOW they can be expensive, just make sure they’re fresh)

Molasses – One tablespoon will do it, unsulphured or dark (no blackstrap)

Pure Vanilla Extract – Two teaspoons, just like Wesley Willis would’a wanted

Oats – 3 cups of old fashioned whole rolled oats

Chocolate chips – One and three quarter cups

Sea salt – just a little bit on top after baking is done

Instructions

Whisk the flour, cinnamon, baking soda and salt together in the medium bowl.

Take the large bowl and use a mixer to beat the butter, brown sugar, and granulated sugar together on medium-high speed until SUPER creamy after a few minutes. Add the eggs, molasses, and vanilla and beat it on high (huh huh) until combined for a minute. Scrape the sides and bottom of the bowl and beat again to combine.

Add the dry stuff to the wet stuff on low until combined. Beat in the oats and chocolate chips. It should be thick and sticky.

Cover and put the dough in the fridge for at least 45 minutes and buy some more crap on forschmucks.net. If you go on a complete spending bender you can leave it in there for up to four days, but if you forget about it and come back for hours, leave it at room temperature for half an hour before rolling and baking because the dough will be firm (huh huh).

Preheat your oven to 350°F. Put parchment paper on your baking sheets or use silicon baking mats and place them aside.

Use a medium cookie scoop to take 2 Tablespoons of dough per cookie 3 inches apart on the baking sheets. Bake for about 13 or 14 minutes until lightly brown on the sides. The centers will look soft and irresistible if you did it right, schmuck.

Take that sugary bliss out of the oven and let it cool for at least five minutes before you gorge yourself, er transfer to a cooling rack to completely cool. Can’t hurt to add a few more chocolate chips on top for real chocoholics and add some sea salt, but those do make it more awesome.

They should stay fresh at room temperature for up to a week, but we both know you’ll devour them in less than three days. Proud of your cooking prowess? Post on social and we’ll permit you to bask in our eternal sunshine.

Embedded content from other websites

Content on this site may include embedded content (e.g. videos, images, articles, etc.). Embedded content from other websites behaves in the exact same way as if the visitor has visited the other website.

These websites may collect data about you, use cookies, embed additional third-party tracking, and monitor your interaction with that embedded content, including tracking your interaction with the embedded content if you have an account and are logged in to that website. They may be jerks about your data, so just beware of those big brother vibes.

Why do we process your data?

If you request a password reset, your IP address may be included in the reset email. Our top priority apart from depriving you of your hard earned money is customer data security, and, as such, we may process only minimal user data, only as much as it is absolutely necessary to maintain the website. Information collected automatically is used only to identify potential cases of abuse and establish statistical information regarding website usage. This statistical information is not otherwise aggregated in such a way that it would identify any particular user of the system.

You can visit the website without telling us who you are or revealing any information, by which someone could identify you as a specific, identifiable individual. If, however, you wish to use some of the website’s features, or you wish to receive our newsletter or provide other details by filling a form, you may provide personal data to us, such as your email, first name, last name, city of residence, organization, telephone number. You can choose not to provide us with your personal data, but then you may not be able to take advantage of some of the website’s features. For example, you won’t be able to receive our carefully crafted Newsletter or contact us directly from the website. Users who are uncertain about what information is mandatory are welcome to contact us via privacy@4schmucks.com. Generally, we’re not going to share your data with third parties without your permission, because we’re for schmucks, not against them.

How long we retain your data

If you leave a comment, the comment and its metadata are retained indefinitely. This is so we can recognize and approve any follow-up comments automatically instead of holding them in a moderation queue. We secure information you provide on computer servers in a controlled, secure environment, protected from unauthorized access, use, or disclosure. We keep reasonable administrative, technical, and physical safeguards to protect against unauthorized access, use, modification, and personal data disclosure in its control and custody. However, no data transmission over the Internet or wireless network can be guaranteed. Do yourself a favor and get a good VPN and use it.

For users that register on our website (if any), we also store the personal information they provide in their user profile. All users can see, edit, or delete their personal information at any time (except they cannot change their username). Website administrators can also see and edit that information.

What rights you have over your data

If you have an account on this site, or have left comments, you can request to receive an exported file of the personal data we hold about you, including any data you have provided to us. You can also request that we erase any personal data we hold about you. This does not include any data we are obliged to keep for administrative, legal, or security purposes. If you are a European resident, you have the following rights related to your personal data:

• The right to be informed.
• The right of access.
• The right to rectification.
• The right to erasure.
• The right to restrict processing.
• The right to data portability.
• The right to object.
• Rights in relation to automated decision-making and profiling.

If you would like to exercise this right, please contact us through the contact information below. Given we don’t sell to anyone in Europe yet, we may not take this request super seriously. But we’ll make an effort. If you want. Schmuck.

Additionally, if you are a European resident, we note that we are processing your information in order to fulfill contracts we might have with you (for example, if you make an order through the Site), or otherwise to pursue our legitimate business interests listed above. Additionally, please note that your information might be transferred outside of Europe, including Canada and the United States. Kindly note that we only ship to addresses in the United States at the moment. We will disclose any information we collect, use or receive if required or permitted by law, such as to comply with a subpoena or similar legal process, and when we believe in good faith that disclosure is necessary to protect our rights, protect your safety or the safety of others, investigate fraud, or respond to a government request.

Where your data is sent

Visitor comments may be checked through an automated spam detection service. Generally we’re going to do our best to protect your privacy in good faith, whether you’re a schmuck or schmuck adjacent.

If you would like to contact us to understand more about this Policy or wish to contact us concerning any matter relating to individual rights and your Personal Information, you may send an email to privacy@4schmucks.com.