🏰 Royal Decree of the Commodore of Schmucks 🏰

Hear ye, hear ye! Let it be proclaimed throughout the land and all adjacent couch cushions:

By order of His Most Comfortably Casual Majesty, the Commodore of Schmucks, arises the official garment of the realm—The Unisex Heavy Cotton Tee—a majestic blend of comfort, valor, and low-maintenance laundering. Woven from the fairest fibers of the American countryside, this noble raiment offers year-round breathability for gallant gatherings and slothful sofa-sitting alike.

Whether thou art parading through the kingdom’s market square or reclining with honor after a fortnight of toil, this classic fit tunic shall drape thee in distinguished indifference and timeless style. It is henceforth declared the perfect gift for festivals, name-days, awkward family reunions, and the annual celebration of one’s emergence from the womb.

Edicts of craftsmanship:

Crafted for women who prefer real-world style over virtual snake oil, this softstyle tee won’t crash overnight, rug-pull your closet, or require a 37-step wallet recovery phrase. It’s fashion for those who skipped the FOMO and kept their dignity (and dollars).

Perfect for brunch, errands, or silently roasting that guy at the party who keeps calling himself a “crypto futurist” while trying to expense his gas fees. Because while he’s explaining decentralized ownership to a houseplant, you’ll be out here… looking good in cotton.

Product Features

• Ribbed knit collar that holds its shape—unlike your buddy’s JPEG investments

• Shoulder tape for structure, not to be confused with the imaginary kind

• Double-needle stitching that, like your common sense, is surprisingly rare these days

• Side seams for actual stability (take notes, Ethereum bros)

• 100% ringspun cotton: soft, breathable, and never hosted on OpenSea

Care Instructions

• Machine wash: cold, like the dead eyes of NFT shillers

• Bleach: non-chlorine only—this shirt doesn’t need to be whitewashed like your losses

• Tumble dry: medium, unlike your risk tolerance

• Do not iron—it’s already hot enough from truth bombs

• Do not dry clean—it doesn’t need laundering like your favorite Discord group