Schmuck Rogers™: The Galaxy’s Most Accidentally Authorized Pilot.

Buckle up, meatbag. The Schmuck Rogers Tee is your official uniform for navigating the algorithmically generated chaos of the modern galaxy—where incompetence is leadership, failure is monetized, and space exploration is brought to you by snack ads and crypto scams.

This Unisex Heavy Cotton Tee offers the comfort you’ll need while watching Schmuck Rogers livestream his 73rd docking attempt, now with more explosions and less understanding of physics. It’s the perfect outfit for doomscrolling humanity’s final transmission or waiting out the end in your Earth bunker-turned-“cozy AI wellness pod.”

Because in the infinite vacuum of space, no one can hear you say, “Wait, who let her fly the ship?”

Product Features:

Crafted for women who prefer real-world style over virtual snake oil, this softstyle tee won’t crash overnight, rug-pull your closet, or require a 37-step wallet recovery phrase. It’s fashion for those who skipped the FOMO and kept their dignity (and dollars).

Perfect for brunch, errands, or silently roasting that guy at the party who keeps calling himself a “crypto futurist” while trying to expense his gas fees. Because while he’s explaining decentralized ownership to a houseplant, you’ll be out here… looking good in cotton.

Product Features

• Ribbed knit collar that holds its shape—unlike your buddy’s JPEG investments

• Shoulder tape for structure, not to be confused with the imaginary kind

• Double-needle stitching that, like your common sense, is surprisingly rare these days

• Side seams for actual stability (take notes, Ethereum bros)

• 100% ringspun cotton: soft, breathable, and never hosted on OpenSea

Care Instructions

• Machine wash: cold, like the dead eyes of NFT shillers

• Bleach: non-chlorine only—this shirt doesn’t need to be whitewashed like your losses

• Tumble dry: medium, unlike your risk tolerance

• Do not iron—it’s already hot enough from truth bombs

• Do not dry clean—it doesn’t need laundering like your favorite Discord group