We, as schmucks ourselves, have observed that our favorite brands spend a lot of time and energy talking at us about things like innovation, collaboration, making the world a better place, being a force for good, enriching people’s lives, etc. They talk at us about things like sustainability and ethics. Mostly, they want us to think of them as a friend and a partner.

But the reality, the daily existence we must endure, surely points to a different conclusion. They’re talking at us, not with us. They exist to make profits and drive value for shareholders, and they do that exceedingly well. The rest? It’s a distant second or third priority. They want our money…as customers, as investors, as schmucks. If anything, they resent that they’re beholden to our money and wish they could just take it away.

There’s a word for this dynamic: contempt. At For Schmucks, following our very thorough and data-driven analytical process of incessantly doomscrolling, we’ve concluded that the most successful brands are the ones that clearly have the most contempt for their customers, regardless of mission and vision statements. They make products that shackle us and function improperly half of the time (or more!), and they charge premium prices for planned obsolescence…and customers lap it up faster than they can earn the money to pay for it.

We feel strongly that there’s nothing wrong with profit. In fact, we’re desperate for profit. And we’re convinced the best way to make profit and make our products desirable is embracing what the biggest and most successful brands camouflage behind false ideals:

Contempt for the Customer.

Our products serve no purpose. They won’t improve the quality of your life. You won’t benefit from them in any way. And we will work to set our margins at gouge-worthy levels. 

We’re sure you’ll love us for it. Because we’re schmucks…and so are you.